The Two Minutes Hate (New Normal Edition)
Today’s edition of the Two Minutes Hate, brought to you by GloboCap, Inc., and featuring an all-star line-up of GloboCap Goldsteins, will begin shortly.
Please take your seat and switch off your remaining critical faculties. We’ve got a butt-load of hate in store for you today. First, though, a few important announcements.
First, due to the increased number of Goldsteins threatening the very fabric of democracy, and GloboCap, Inc., and its global partners, and their assorted subsidiaries, agents, and assigns, the Two Minutes Hate has been extended beyond its traditional two-minute running time and will henceforth be presented more or less around the clock until further notice.
Also, in a departure from the original Two Minutes Hate in Orwell’s 1984, we’re going to skip the opening “this is our land” part, which is (a) dated and (b) unacceptably unrepresentative of the racial, ethnic, and gender diversity of the New Normal Reich …
… and get right down to the “shrieking hatred at the images of Goldstein” part.
Please be advised that the following content contains material designed to whip the masses into a mindless frenzy of hatred, which some audiences may find distressing. Other audiences might find it amusing. After all, there’s no accounting for taste. Regardless of which audience you feel you are a member of, viewer discretion is not advised. In fact, exposure to the following content is pretty much mandatory, and is physically inescapable, unless you live “off-grid” in the woods somewhere, which you don’t, or you wouldn’t be reading this.
OK, that’s it for the pre-show announcements. Time for the hate! Ready? Here we go.
New Normal Goldstein Number One
Goldstein Number One is obviously Trump, who is both a Russian asset and literally Hitler. The fact that Trump is literally Hitler was conclusively established in 2017 by Ron Rosenbaum, who apparently wrote a book about Hitler, and is a “world expert on the Nazi leader,” according to The Independent.
But, even back in 2016, before the Russians “hacked the election” and stole the presidency from Hillary Clinton by “weaponizing African American voters” with anti-masturbation memes on Facebook, everybody already knew he was Hitler …
Plus, Jason Stanley (the Jacob Urowsky Professor of Philosophy at Yale University!) and The New York Times proved it in this 2018 video! And the BBC found a random “German guy” who said it, so what more proof do you need? Even his former lawyer now confirms it!
But it isn’t just that Trump is literally Hitler, he’s also a literal Russian asset,as Jonathan Chait reported in New York Magazine in February of 2021! Of course, by that time, everybody already knew that he was a Russian operative, and a treasonous traitor, and Putin’s homosexual lover, as The New York Times revealed in this charming little animated film!
And all that was before he ordered his underground white-supremacist Putin-Nazi forces to try to overthrow the US government by frontally assaulting the Capitol Building with two or three hundred unarmed bozos and assorted federal agents in MAGA hats!
As Michael Fanone, a former DC cop who was brutally assaulted during the rioting, and who is currently a “law enforcement analyst” and an on-air contributor at CNN, put it when the latest indictment of Trump was announced …
So, shout it out … TRUMP! TRAITOR! TERRORIST! PUTIN’S COCK HOLSTER! OSAMA BIN HITLER!
New Normal Goldstein Number Two
Goldstein Number Two is RFK, Jr., the infamous anti-vax conspiracy theorist, who is also Hitler, or is aligned with Trump, who is literally Hitler, and Osama bin Laden, and a Russian asset! Yes, that’s right, in addition to all his conspiracy-theorizing and anti-vaxxing, Bobby, Jr. has been tweeting secret “Nazi dog whistles,” presumably at the behest of Trump, who is presumably taking direct orders from Putin!
Also, according to The New Republic, not only is Bobby an anti-Semitic, Putin-loving, woman-hating transphobe, but he more or less drove his ex-wife to kill herself! On top of which, he is going around saying that the CIA assassinated JFK! Their sources are reporting that he is back on the heroin, and has joined some sort of GOP-funded Satanic neo-Nazi death cult!
That, or else he’s actually a covert “conspiracy-mongering Republican plant” or “a useful idiot for MAGA demagogues,” or some other type of science-denying, democracy-hating, Nazi traitor, which is Walter Shapiro’s current theory, also published by The New Republic, which is giving The Guardian a real run for its money as the go-to mouthpiece of the Ministry of Truth.
So, shout it out … RFK! ANTI-VAXXER! TRAITOR! TERRORIST! CONSPIRACY THEORIST! HITLER!
Assorted Other New Normal Goldsteins
OK, you’re probably wondering why Putin isn’t Goldstein, being the Ultimate Source of All Evil, as he is, and the Hitler of All Hitlers, and the Antichrist, and so on. Well, there’s actually a very simple explanation.
See, the thing is, Goldsteins have to be traitors. It’s essential to their Goldsteinness. Putin, evil though he definitely is, is not a traitor, not “a cancer, an evil tumor, growing, spreading in our midst” (see original Two Minutes Hate).
The Two Minutes Hate is designed to condition the masses to unleash their hatred against the traitors, the Judases, the dissidents, the apostates, the deniers of Reality, the deniers of Truth, the science deniers, the Covid deniers, the climate-change deniers, the deniers of … whatever. The “racists.” The “transphobes.” The “anti-Semites.” “Anti-vaxxers.” “Conspiracy theorists.” “Far-right extremists.” “Insurrectionists.” “Terrorists.”
There’s no shortage of Goldsteins in The New Normal Reich. There never is in any totalitarian system … not even one that masquerades as “democracy.” The essence of all totalitarianism is conformity, and mindless hatred of non-conformity, and demonization of any form of dissent, and, ultimately, the criminalization of dissent. It’s the Goldsteins here at home that need to be dealt with! The disinformationists! The malinformationists! The “free-speech” subversives who want to debate us!
New Normals don’t debate or argue with Goldsteins. They shun them. They “cancel” them. They censor them. They report them. They delegitimize them. They vaporize them. They vent all their pent-up hatred at them … their crippling self-hatred, and their shame, and their rage.
Because the other thing The Two Minutes Hate is designed to do is direct that rage and hatred at an appropriate official scapegoat. Totalitarians need to blow off steam. Mindlessly following senseless orders and robotically parroting official propaganda that you know is a bunch of lies is no fun. Repressing the rage and shame that produces, after a while, can make you want to … gosh, I don’t know, take some folks out in the woods somewhere and shoot them in the back of the head, or lock them up in a camp, or something. It’s better to get all that out of your system in a structured, emotionally-supportive setting, or on a DHS-moderated social-media platform, or the balcony of your Central Park South apartment, as Keith Olbermann did back in 2021.
So go ahead, shout it out one more time! Fill in the names of all the Goldsteins in your life … or, you know, formerly in your life. The traitors! The deniers! The anti-vaxxers! The Russia-loving far-right extremists! The racists! The transphobes! The anti-Semites! You’ll feel so much better once you have … or at least you’ll feel a little relief that will get you through until the next Two Minutes Hate!
All right, that’s it for today’s Two Minutes Hate. I hope it wasn’t too emotionally distressing. Oh, yeah, and if you’re a member of one of those “other audiences” I referred to above … well, I told you I thought you might find it amusing. I would probably keep that to myself, though, if I were you. You never know when The New Normal Reich is going to go full-blown totalitarian again!
DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., or its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Substack page, or his Patreon page, or send a contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our employees up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian sci-fi novel, Zone 23, or Volumes I, II, and III of his Consent Factory Essays, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive email, feel free to contact him directly.
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