Pity the poor president. “Joe Biden” must decide now whether to go to war with Iran or Texas. Which will it be? Or might it be both? That Governor Abbott turns out to be the Putin of the purple sage! How does he dare interfere with the orderly flow of new voters — fine people! — across that filthy little river of his? Does he not understand that we need at least a couple million more live bodies allocated around the swing states to ensure a free and fair election?

What does Hunter (“the smartest person I know”) make of Dad’s quandary, I wonder. With enough eau-de-coca on-board, Hunter must think in Biblical terms. . . great flowing Jacobean passages of elevated language: in my father’s house are many mansions: Verily, verily, I say unto you, somewhere there is a room I left that little baggie in. . . but where. . . ? The works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Dad.

Well, forget Hunter. Everybody else has, thank goodness, at least for now. Let’s face it: having a rage-filled addict in the family is tiresome. Anyway, Merrick Garland has got him covered with “an on-going investigation.” (Questions? Sorry, can’t answer any.)

“Joe Biden,” in his on-going delirium-of-age wanders from room to room in the empty mansion that is his mind. How did I get in this room? he wonders. And how do I get out of it? Can somebody please point the way? Alas, his position is the loneliest in the world. There is no one to point the way out. There is only this ceaseless wandering from room to room in this vast emptiness. Where is the room with Texas in it? The room where Iran sleeps? The room where Ukraine lies a’gasp with a sucking chest wound? Watch out, he’ll start shouting soon. Calling Dr. Jill: Code Blue. . . !

The world may be a disaster these days, but the White House is a bigger disaster. Can you name the White House chief of staff? Betcha can’t. Know why? He never, ever comes out and speaks to that mob in the press room. He might have to answer some difficult questions, such as: if the president’s brain is switched off more than half the time, who decides what to do with that ‘nuclear football’ they carry around with him. Is it. . . you? By the way, the chief of staff’s name is Jeff Zients. Ever heard him? Of course not. He has a page on “X”. The most recent thing he posted was July, 25, 2023. Good thing not much has happened since then.

The question then: should “Joe Biden” just go ahead and nuke Texas? “JB” is thinking: What good is the place with that Putin wannabe running it? Buncha cattle and those ridiculous hats! The official head-gear of white supremacy! Probably millions of them down there, clutching their beloved guns! I’ve got news for you. Wanna play hardball? We’ve got F-16s. Try shooting one of those Vipers down with your 30-ought-6 when it’s coming in low over Plano on after-burners at eleven hundred miles an hour, bristling with Sidewinder missiles. Anyway, for a nice strip steak, go to Kansas City. Fuggedabowt Texas. Kaboom! Not a joke!

As for Iran. . . another $6-billion could keep them quiet for a while. Turns out that mullahs really like money. Do you know how many virgins you can buy for $6-billion here on Planet Earth? Why blow yourself up for them? Especially since you don’t know for a hundred percent sure that there is a place called heaven, or that it’s mainly a seraglio? By the way, why does our country (that’d be the USA) have all these little military outposts scattered around the desert wastelands of Jordan, Syria, and other lands of the Middle East? Did the one called Tower Two that got blown up a few days ago have a target painted on it? Might as well have. You think the “other side” doesn’t have satellite imagery of the terrain? Kind of looks like we’re asking for trouble. And, also by the way, how come two of the three US soldiers killed there were girls? Is that how we do war these days? With a girlie army? Who actually thinks that’s going to work?

Apparently, “Joe Biden.” Be advised: there is chatter coming out of this mysterious White House about bringing back the military draft. Remember what that is, Boomers? Remember Country Joe and the Fish singing: “Be the first one on your block to have your boy come home in a box.” That was back in the Vietnam days. Fifty-thousand-plus KIA. Only now we’ll be drafting girls (and probably some boys who want to be girls). I guess we’ll figure out now how gung-ho Gen Z really is.

You didn’t ask, but things are not going so well in our remote-control war in Ukraine against Russia (Putinland). Our Zelensky team (we own it) got completely rope-a-doped, punched itself out, its knees are buckling. Victoria Nuland, the renowned State Department girlie war-hawk, says she’s confident that Congress will pass the new $61 billion aid package for the Z-team, according to Radio Free Europe, the blob’s official propaganda outlet. The blob wants you to think that Putin wants to turn all of Europe into Putinland. I’m sure. Tori Nuland probably thinks we can save Ukraine with the fabulous girlie army and some snazzy new drones from McDonnell Douglas. Hey, it’s war, war, war. Bomb them all — Iran, Russia, Texas — and let God sort them out.

Speaking of blob propaganda outlets, here’s a doozy from blob tentacle The New York Times  this Friday morning to boost your morale. Blob suck-up, Stephen Colbert, the late-night TV genius-level jester last seen dancing in a chorus line costumed as Covid-19 vaccination syringes, informs us that “Joe Biden” is catnip to the ladies because his aviator Ray-bans remind them of Robert Stack in The High and the Mighty. Silly me, I thought they loved the president for his mind.  You know, “Joe Biden” is running for re-election. No, really. Not a joke.